The BHHcast

Julian McCullough

August 24, 2021 BHHcast Season 3 Episode 27
The BHHcast
Julian McCullough
Show Notes Transcript

Terrific episode this week about the making an excellent mixtape.  What happens in the multiverse?  Which Phil Collins album is 3rd best?  The answers to these questions and more in this episode.

The BHHcast is joined by actor, writer, producer and comedian Julian McCullough. 

Julian has appeared on such shows as Comedy Central Presents, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, Conan, and is a regular panelist on Chelsea Lately. 

You can find Julian in the third row of your local Guns N Roses concert, and be sure to follow him on Twitter (@julezmac) and other social media platforms. 

Interested in supporting our indie podcast? Visit to become a member and gain access to exclusive perks. 

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People around here trust the shepherd, Jamie, Adam, and the other Jamie. They always hate the sheep trust to the other round. I'll throw another log on the fire. Turn it up just a touch goes another episode of the podcast is starting now. Brand new episode of the podcast Jamie Bendele Jamie Hernan Adam gray episode on tap for this evening. Our guest is comedian Julian makalah. Julian, welcome to the podcast. Thank you. I, the way you introduce Adam's name it sounds like you forgot his last name and you were stalling. Could be you know? Coming out here that would be terrific. If they did that it actually a boxing match. Help me out here. Yeah. Give me a real quick. I forgot the best part of that would be the look on the guy's face. Because when they're bouncing around the ring, and they're getting their name called very confident. Yeah, they're all bad. Guys, like, don't really remember his name. Are you serious? How am I gonna fight now? And that's right at the point that the other guy walks in from the other corner and just locks him in the face. And it's over knockout? Although I don't think that's how boxing works. No, no, he can't just walk out and hit alright. Not during the announcing. I don't think so. They opened up a lot of the rules because it's lose gain. It's losing popularity. So now it's like when you're allowed to do that in the dressing room just shows up on the dressing room. He's getting taped up. I don't think you've ever boxed the dressing room. Sir, yeah, that that would actually be pretty funny. If it was more of a dressing room style. And you had someone in your corner being like a champ. I got I got a smaller size here. Try these ones on. See. Let us see how those ones. Look. Can we try some different? I was terrible at that thing. We anyway, sorry. Good. Okay. So format show lightning round. Essentially, we will ask a couple of rounds of questions depending on the answers, maybe have some follow up on them. Very first question is always to set the tone and get a little practice in and that is clockwise or counterclockwise. My head says clockwise but my heart says counterclockwise. So I'm going to go with counter clockwise counter clockwise. It is starting with Jamie. Alright, so our first question comes to us from our friends at the nerd crusade podcast at crusade nerd on Twitter, who quite a while ago was our 1000 follower on Twitter. And I promised to ask this question on the show and then proceeded again round. It's lightning round. Get to the question. So our first question comes to us from the Nurse Aide podcast you. So what is your advice for how a young comic can succeed in the digital age? That's like a question like, What's the sound of one hand clapping? That's like an impossible? What is the sound of one hand? Bart Simpson does it that's actually my first question. I'm not going to ask that question. A week. It's like a weak clap sound. Alright, mine. Yes. Top to bottom. Best Phil Collins album is. How do you know that he likes Phil Collins. Everyone likes Phil Collins. Everyone knows. He does. All right. The floor is yours, Julian. So this is solo. Yes, not yes. That's got to be no jacket required. Nice. Face it face value is number two. Okay. And then obviously the Tarzan soundtrack. Okay, I'm kidding. I hate that. I was gonna say that was a big stretch there. Yeah, none of these albums are perfect albums. By the way. He had some strong tracks and he had some very like, I can't even listen to this, but it's strong tracks are so strong. I don't care. With the magic of editing. Julian, your answer is going to be the Tarzan soundtrack. We're gonna go on to Adam. So I also have a top to bottom question, but mine is if you were in prison, and you had to pick a spot in the bunk bed, would you take the top or the bottom? Bottom? Okay, a slot and an otter are tubing on a lazy river at a resort in Orlando, Florida. The otter and the slop weigh exactly the same. And the current is the same for both of them. They decide to race which animal wins and Why Am I answering all these? It's just one question. It's often an honor to be on a lazy river at a resort in Orlando, Florida. The otter in this offer exactly the same not pertinent and the current is exactly the same for both of them. Okay, so they're an inner tubes. They're an inner tubes. Yes. And the inner tubes are exactly the same size. They decided to race which animal wins and why the otter because he'll have less drag from his body in the water. That's exactly right. Actually, actually, they've been they did this at MIT and the otter wins. Have you watched that Cocaine Cowboys on Netflix by any chance? Yes, I didn't finish it, but I watched a lot of it. Why isn't it fascinating? Just a follow up question. It said it's a bit of a sorbet mid round survey. I thought it was fascinating that they could be smuggling so much drugs and still think it was a good idea to have a powerboat racing team. Apparently, though, without drug smugglers. There is no powerboat Racing League. So, which also came as a surprise to me. It's kind of a chicken or the egg thing. You know? Alright, maybe that's the wrong analogy. But you know what I'm saying? Yes. You can't have one without the other that Yeah, apparently the money is so high to get into that sport, but so dangerous and reckless that anybody with the money that made it legitimately would never take those risks. So in a way the sport chooses the smugglers. Right? I can only exist in that world. And I don't understand how it is that it took the cop so long to say maybe we should interview more of the guys that are powerboat racers. Maybe they're powerboat racing fans. That would be such an ethical dilemma for the detective, right. I think I have a really good league lead me but, man, well, I think the fans were just waiting for the race to be over so they can buy more drugs, right? Isn't it annoying when you go to buy drugs? And then like, you're the dealer's like doing something and you're like, Okay, I guess I'll wait till you're done mowing the lawn. That's what it was like. But but it was cigarette cigarette boat racing. Adam. All right. What were you famous for in high school? Well, I don't want to this is. This is embarrassing to say, but I was funny. Well, I was like a funny guy. And also, I was afraid to I wasn't a fighter. I was like, afraid to fight. Right. The way I would make up for that is I would do the scary stuff that needed to be done on the weekends that had part that made parties happen. So like, I would be the one to go steal alcohol. Oh, and that's how you avoid fighting because you were the cool guy who came to the party with the alcohol. But that was a hard yeah, yeah. But if anybody wanted to fight me, I would scream like a little girl and run. Yeah, but that means no booze at the party. I mean, it's your choice. Yeah. Mikey Casella. Do you want to drink or do you want to punch me in the face? With that, let's bring round one to a close. We will be back with more of the podcast guest Julian McCullough. Right after this shape. Stick around. It's gonna be a good second round. Have you guys heard of the latest podcast to drop? I know, all the podcasts are true. Have you heard the waterpark test? Course? Water Podcast? No, it's an incredible show. Like I don't know if you guys know, when you think about like, there's all these wine podcasts. There's all these micro brew podcasts. But water is what really sustains life like you can't do without water we can do without wine we can do without these micro brews. But 60% of your body is made up of water. It's maybe the most important substance in the world. And it's basically under publicized. I don't think 60% of my body is bought. Well, it is and there are now a lot of the fancier restaurants have water simulators that come around and give you advice as a Somalis. Yes. Okay. Can I say something like I'm having pasta? Yeah, kind of water. Pasta. Yes. And they probably recommend something nice like, without of Italy, one of those Aireon for example, coming out of there, or not? Well, they also give you advice on size density of ice. Honestly, true of the water, people aren't going to use ice at all. It's kind of like putting ice into your wine, it's considered bad form. So what they'll do is they'll chill the water in a fridge or something like that before it's served so that it can be served cold so you can't put frozen water in your water. Well, you don't want to bruise the water. Yeah, one thing I learned on the show though, which is pretty impressive is like a lot of this triple filtered any kind of filtered is basically crap. Like if it says you know single filter distilled all that stuff is absolute shite. Like you want spring you want artisanal or something else but and that's how you really get to the gourmet levels of water. Oh, one of the best parts about this podcast. It's one of the reasons why I think people should check out the water podcast. Yes. Is one of the hosts total tap guy right. And I think they call him one tap Johnny, tap Johnny tap Johnny. He ranks tap water. Right? I never knew how much different my tap water experience could be. Oh my God by changing from bathroom to kitchen. Yes. Kitchen. Bathroom. So when tap Johnny goes to a party does it go get water out of the bathroom? Oh, I think if you're ever at a party with tap Johnny and Johnny disappears into the bathroom, you better fall attack Jack but At the end of the day podcast listeners, if you're not checking out the water podcast, it's good stuff. And you can talk water just like we are. Let's face it, water. It's the gift of life. You better go check out Deb water because I'll tell you right now she can feed all day genius, the water, you could not feel good tomorrow. Our conversation this evening continues with comedian Julian makalah. Alright, so let's flesh out maybe a little topic. You gotta you gotta follow up on on round one I do. So if a young comic is trying to succeed today, what's your advice to them? I have not. But I would say that, from what I've observed, you need to pick your Hogan. It's like, I think in the old days, if you were really, really funny on stage, kind of the rest would somewhat take care of itself. Not totally. But if you just got really good at stand up, which took five to 10 years, the what do you call it the whittling down of what it took to get that good. And how many people couldn't do it kind of created a ecosystem of talent that there was room for everybody who got good to be like to make a living. Now, the saturation level is so high, and there's kind of no way to know how good people are on stage, because most of the stuff is online, right? It seems like you have to pick a easily identifiable brand, and then stick to it every day like a politician. And kind of like hold the line and be like, This is who I am, every time this is where the joke is going every time and people get used to it. And you build a brand around that. And then you just like market it like, like you're Nike. And that's basically what it seems to be. And then you just pray to God that nobody comes to see you live because you never bothered to get good at Stanford. Right? So it's bad for comedy, though, right? I mean, at the end of the day, the the overall comedy that's bad for right? This sounds possibly very naive, but it may have peaked in terms of a general quality level. I'm not saying that there won't be some people who like the guys that learn how to use a unicycle now. Like there might be those guys that get really great at stand up still. But it seems like as a general rule, putting in the time every night for years is not going to be what happens anymore. Interesting, like skanks for the memories is never gonna happen again. It's never gonna be that tight. And that excellent. Like a little diamond. Like that album is. There's like not a word extra on that album, that I don't see that happening again. I think the more like social stuff is coming. I mean, social stuff has always been part of comedy. But I you know, I just saw some acts the talking about, you know, that went really deep into woke versus right versus left. And so it kind of taking a position up on that, which I think is your kind of your point that there's an underlying message to the comedy. It's not enough just to be funny, or there's Yeah, what you're saying is important. I don't think I don't think complaining about things you can't say is a message. Right? It's pretty obvious to me that that is not an interesting take to copy. I feel like yeah, comedy has changed. So much. It changes so much with context and history, that if you're complaining because you want time to stop and you want culture to stop, where you're comfortable being funny, you're completely denying the entire evolution of comedy before you I mean, what was funny 100 years ago, very few things are still funny from 100 years ago. Very few. Alright, can I have a little follow up on one of mine? You may follow up on your place. The year is 1991. You're creating a mixtape? Yes, it's for a person actually. It is a person for whom you have a romantic attraction. Yes, you want to open with a Phil Collins song? Of course I do. You want to close with a Phil Collins song? Yes. My mixtapes were frequently similar to a Phil Collins concert in that I would open with Phil Collins and close with Phil. Okay. What were those songs? The opening song would be? Well, it's a Genesis song. That's what my opening song would be throwing it all away, which is not technically it's off of the invisible touch album. It was about divorce and not written them by Phil Collins but sung by Phil Collins. So in typical Julian McCullough fashion at 12 One of my favorite songs was about divorce. Ah, but in the end, what a better way to open than by saying, need I say I love you. Yes. I like to position myself as the victim immediately in a relationship. Yeah. Just so you know. This whole Dynamic is going to be about you not being fair to me and me wondering why is this a 90 minute tape? How long is this? Is it because it's a cassette? Yes. Okay. Oh yeah, I would never do 120 is because the ribbon was so thin the sound quality was suffered okay good for you axes were so short that they were over before you knew it so I always did 9090 Okay, so now approximately 8586 minutes in time to close it out. Yeah, it's gonna have to be at four minutes and because I believe Take Me Home is a six minutes oh look. Yeah. All right. That's going to listen if I had the music I would play it right now but I am going to take us home for this segment and we will be back more Julian Collins right after this so you guys more of a Phil Collins guy or a Genesis guy or I'll throw in Peter Gabriel. If I am a Genesis guy. I am a Phil Collins Genesis guy I would say there was a period where Phil Collins was writing songs that spoke directly to a Peter Gabriel not okay, I'm on the PG if you're making a mixtape you're making it for someone that you're fond of. Specially Yeah, does the song from say anything? Make that your eyes are Peter Gabriel right yeah, of course. And then I've got Thompson twins we've got some Peter Gabriel got a little Depeche Mode probably close it out with some erasure Are you leading with in your eyes? No, you know never lead with in your eyes you don't make money in your eyes is like right as the tapes about the flip. Yep, exactly. It's or or mid sentence on this on a side it also depends on what's the purpose of the mixtape is the mixtape because I'd like to take our relationship in a different direction, correct? If so, I'm introducing myself as a trusted friend. Right and I'm starting with something that's not maybe so heavy on to the romantic sentiment. Interesting, right? And then I'm slowly never made a mixtape for that reason. Your mixtape is a representation of your relationship where it has started and where you want it to go. Well, I think so. You guys are heavy with your mixtapes as Lionel Richie make it on your mixtape. For me it does ever Well, not just Lionel Richie, the Commodore. I can't think of a single song that I would ever have a place for on a mixtape easy like Sunday morning. Because sometimes it'd be bmscs Late Night on Saturday. Close it out with easy on Sunday morning because now it's Sunday morning. I'm taking you home. When you think back to the Raiders. If I can think of the Raiders, I don't think I can. There's that one I tried to just right all right, we are on the cusp of our second lightning round with comedian Julian McCall. This is the podcast Jamie Mendel, Jamie Hearn and Adam. All right, Julian, similar format deeper questions. shorter answers clockwise or counterclockwise clockwise. Alright, clockwise starting with Jamie. Okay. This one comes from our friends at the beard l podcast at beard l podcast. Would you rather have an elephant sized cat or a cat sized elephant? Interesting. It's an interesting question. I gotta say a cat sized elephant because that is thing in the world. How cute that would be this little elephant is so cute. The confidence of a real elephant so it would be charging everything that's bigger than it whenever it wants food. It just sits there and goes Yeah. my follow up question Can an elephant can tract elephantitis? Yes, but that's a trick question. All elephants have elephantitis that's how they get so big. Dang. Alright, so what is the greatest movie line of all time? I would have to say the end of Fargo. The Coen Brothers movie, when Francis McDormand is driving the killer back to the station. And she says and for what? For a little bit of money. And it's a beautiful day. So I love that that she just looks at it like she's in the present after all after a wood chipper murder. She's like, for what? Is it too late to say spoiler alert. All right. Yeah. Oh, by the way, spoiler alert. They never get the true coat. Well, was the first band you really hoped your daughter would like? Oh, that's a good question. Probably. I used to play. Oh, Guns and Roses, Guns and Roses. I didn't want her to expose her to all of it. But a like sweet child of mine in Paradise City. She loved those when she was like three years and I was very, very excited about that. One thing I love about Jillian story or profile is where most people put a link to whatever self promotion they want to put his link is to the Wikipedia page of Guns and Roses. Oh classic. I didn't even know that I did that. That's fine. It used to be to Rory Scoble special my bio used to be I could do better than this. I just never filmed it. But it's okay because me and Rory can't stand each other. Just kidding. I was gonna say it's time to bring on our special guests Rory. He's always got to show me up. He's always here. No matter how far away the thing is. I'm doing a show here is he's actually given the best answer so far on this show. But that's okay. What are you son of a bitch I literally fall for that and I feel so stupid. I've got two questions left and I'm trying to decide which one will anger my hosts more so I'm gonna go with the one that will be less aggravating so that I can save the worst for last because we're really close. I'm reaching across the table to strangle you. Alright, a sloth and a Castleberry Are you familiar with what a cassowary is? I'm not okay. Castleberry is a highly deadly it looks kind of like an ostrich but it has like crazy claws it can it can kill you in an instant. Is this another one? Like kind of like an ostrich? So it's basically an ostrich it's a yeah, alright, so a slotted ostrich that's got a long neck and huge eyes. Right right. And people like Jamie like to call it because no one else knows what they are. And opposable thumbs and it can shoot you. It can't show you. Yeah, no, that's what I read that. Alright, a slot and a Castleberry are playing Jenga while on vacation in nice France. As their options for blocks run out. It looks like the slots will prevail. Does the Castleberry accept defeat or instead murder the slot with its razor sharp claws. Now I think we all know that the cassowary is a very honorable animal and would rather lose with integrity. Yep. And live to fight again then. Then cheap. That's what separates the cassowary from the Oscars. The ostrich is a devious little bitch and will totally cheat. An ostrich will do anything to win. Assholes. Castle berries, great nobility. Ostriches, assholes. Yeah, basically. Yeah. Did you say Castleberry? I have no idea how to say the word you were saying? It's Cadbury. Oh, Cadbury. Yeah, like little things you did Easter, but that was definitely the right answer. 10 points. What is something you can that is considered odd and weird by people that you'd like to see normalized? Oh. Oh, God. This is so fun. Oh, dang dead. The dead milkman? Oh, yes. You'd like that normalized? I would like that to be I think they should have been a mainstream massive success as big as YouTube. Oh, bigger than you to obviously be mean to like, bigger than the Beatles. Bigger than the beat. Yeah, exactly. Okay, Beach Boys. Beatles. Dead note men. Right. Make sense? We're just Dead Milkmen compared to Phil Collins. Phil Collins beat no dead not. Oh, I don't know. That's tough. Yeah, I can see we're tormenting you a little bit on that one. Yeah, I didn't. When Jamie asked me to do this. He didn't say we're gonna make you rethink everything. Or fundamental beliefs. Yeah, that's what we do here on the podcast. Alright, let me ask you this. Then if we're gonna if we're going to flesh this out fully. If you could have either an album full of dead milkman covering Phil Collins songs, or Phil Collins covering Dead Milkmen songs which would you choose? Okay. I think for the general public, the dead milkman covering Phil Collins songs would be more enjoyable for them more mainstream, if you will. Yeah, I think they would have more fun with it. And they would it would be more of a listable situation because they would take these like pristine studio, technical songs and play them like fast and loose and fun. Yeah. But then I think for me personally, to hear Phil Collins, give it everything he's got with the lyrics of dead milkman would be one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life. Do you feel like the dead milkman were one Phil Collins cover album away from being bigger than you two. I think every band is one Phil Collins cover album away from being the biggest of all time. Wouldn't it be great if you could figure out a way that you could just like wave a magic wand like the random like if you could have a throwaway Genie wish. And you'd say every album is included Phil Collins cool. I think that we live in a time now where that starts to become possible with all this artificial intelligence like we are putting, you know, they're trying to put passengers out into outer space. We have cars that are supposed to be self learning. Like why are we not here this? Are you how to make a Phil Collins way no exact replica Hold on. Did we just create deep fake records? I think we owe records we do deep fake records, you know where we basically simulate the Dead Milkmen covering you use artificial intelligence you take probably Phil Collins at some point has sung every word yes in a Dead Milkmen song as long as you oh that's how you do okay. Yeah, like Yeah, yeah, have you heard of like these deep fake videos where they like deep fake okay, yes, that's hilarious. I love that. So now we just and we've got plenty of data to feed the machine that's like all the Phil Collins repertoire, not enough Dead Milkmen, but a good death that Dead Milkmen repertoire. We feed it into the computers and they give us what would oh I mean, I think we I'm ready to go now. The fake records Yeah, we got a deep fake records. According to quantum theory there are infinite universes so we could just access the universe where the dead note men do record Phil Collins songs. Oh, that's right. So there is an alternate universe just a portal to all of the various dimensions. Alright, I just challenged my co hosts just stay quiet during this question. We're gonna get through this, Julian, we're gonna make it through this. Alright, okay, a swallow and titmouse are navigating Belgian canals in separate vessels at night. They enjoy silent films from the 20s particularly French films such as laurendale elements harsh, the boats collide, and the Swallow falls into the river. The titmouse dives in how would an intertitle describe that moment? And this is the silent film screen that comes on to say the dialogue the intertidal, the intertidal. You are just firing off the big words today, aren't you? Thank you. Good job. Source really got worked out today. I intertitle. I don't think Adam heard anything after Tim. Oh, no. You lost me right at titmouse. I have a question. Yes. What was the question you asked in the alternate universe? Oh, it was so good. Yeah, it was just a different French reference to the movie. Yeah. All the rest of it's the same rest of it's the same. By the way that French film is the swallow and the titmouse look it up. Alright. Ah, okay. The intertitle the intertitle would say I am coming for you. That's the first intertitle with an accent. Yeah. What life changing item can you buy for under $100? Deodorant? Hmm, good call saves many, many guys. Alright, Julian, you're now in your 40s. Yes. Have the things that you're frightened have changed since your 30s? No, I'm still afraid of whales, whales, deep water and dying alone and in obscurity. Have you ever seen a whale and person wild? No, absolutely not. Would that be a terrifying event for you? Yes. When people go whale watching. They're like, look a whale. I would like I have the there's a name for it. It's a real phobia of deet of large objects in deep water. Okay. It's like, I don't even like seeing a shipwreck like on the ground on the bottom of the ocean. Like even though it's an inanimate object. It freaks me the hell out. So you're probably not going to come hang out with us and watch open water. No, well, no, but shirts don't scare me as much because they're not massive. It's the massiveness of it that drawings of the leviathan and like a pencil drawing of a leviathan from an ancient book scares me more than like a real shark. Wow, the thinking about the Abyss makes you uncomfortable. Yeah, I don't know if you noticed the dying alone part of my answer but it turns out you connected them are remarkably tied together. Alright, that's gonna bring this lightning round to a close and this up. So this is the end of the episode. We have reached the end. Yeah, reached the end. A lot of fun that we have. All right. Well, that's gonna do it for us for this episode, Julian. To the extent that you would like to update people as your never ending quest to escape obscurity. What, what and where would you like to highlight people? You want to see me? You can you can see me at various dates of the current Guns and Roses tour. Not in this lifetime to. You'll see me at the Bank of California and the third row, and so on and so forth. But you can tweet at me and I'll tell you which Guns and Roses show up yet. Hi, buddy. Be good. We'll talk to you soon. All right, thanks, guys. This episode of the podcast is over domna gold now. Back to where you came from. We'll call you back It's time for another mock DACA DACA